I’m stuck on a merry-go-round again

How am I supposed to respond to you when you’re how you are?

What am I supposed to do?

I’ve tried to break through.  I have.  I’ve been your dress up doll and your pretty little play thing.  I’ve been your confidant and your sounding board.  I’ve always had your side and listened to you as you bemoaned your job, your life, your existence.  All of that and I’ve never received a thing from you.

We talk.
We dance.
We go out.
We stay in.

But we don’t connect.  We’ve never connected on a two way street that makes my eyes light up the way I thought we would.
I was attracted to the way you stood against the railing outside of the party.  You were sipping your drink and looking in at everyone enjoying themselves.

I thought to myself, “what and interesting man standing there away from it all and observing.”

I approached you and you ignored me at first.  You didn’t say anything back to my hello until I turned around, embarrassed, and began to walk away.  I still can remember the first thing you said to me.

“Do you think they are all are happy as they seem or are they faking it so nobody can tell how miserable they are?”

Who says that to someone before a hello?

We talked.  I laughed.  You never even turned towards me.
Why am I attracted to such assholes?

Finally when you did look at me you looked straight through me.  I’ve never been able to look at a man like you and not feel naked.  It’s been a theme in my life where I think you can see into my soul and read my private diaries.  The thoughts I don’t even tell my closest girl friends.

“Are you here with anyone?”  I asked you that night.  It was suggestive enough to let you know I was open to leaving with you.  It was way too forward and a bit slut-ish but that’s always been my way.

You merely shook your head.  After a few more moments of silence you turned and walked away.  My mouth dropped open and I turned to the side and then looked behind me.  I was wondering if I was on some sort of camera show or if there was anybody nearby I could ask what the hell was going on.

Then you yelled back a few feet away as you were walking, turning your head slightly, “are you coming or are you going to stand there all night?”

If that would have happened today I would rolled my eyes and walked back into the party.  I’d have found a friend and laughed and danced and let you be miserable alone in your fancy car in your nice apartment.  I’m wiser now then I was then.  I spent some of my life on you and you taught me a few things.  One more than any other.