I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

You stole my heart.  You used it up.  You gave it back damaged and torn.  The seams are undone and I don’t have any thread.  What am I supposed to do?  You may have well just ran a stake through it.

Kill the vampire, but now you’re sucking the blood from me.  I’ve got nothing left to give and I’m O positive that I’ll never love again now.  Nobody is going to hurt me the way you did.  I’m dry.  I’ve got nothing left to give.  A husk of a shell of something that used to be alive.

You did this.  I hope you’re happy with what comes of it.

I never forgot that I hated how much I remembered you

I’m desperate.

I need something, but don’t know what it is.  Maybe its you, however fucked up that would be.  It would fit though.  Everything about us was a pile of rubble that I never could get out from under.  I may as well sink myself under it again one last time.

I need touch.  You touched me as good as anybody.  I felt the deepness of your sting on my inner thigh.  They caused me to take uneven steps and stumble, at least I did it with a smile though.

I keep going back to self-destructive tendencies.  Hopefully my finger can keep off the button long enough for one last ride.



Nobody knows what they want anymore

You said hello at the bar one night.  I’m polite when I’m not drunk so I said hello back, and then I noticed your ring.  You told me not to worry, you’re happily married and not looking.  I nodded skeptically.

I saw you again the next weekend, wearing the ring but still no wife.  You said hello and I smiled a quick, dismissive smile.  I had a few drinks before you showed up.

The third weekend in a row you were at the bar, wearing your ring and still alone.  You didn’t have any friends with you either.  I avoided eye contact and your area all together.  I didn’t even start drinking yet.

I went out for a cigarette later in the night and walked around the corner to the alleyway and leaned against the wall.  I was alone too, no ring though.
You came out and leaned against the wall along the street and asked me for a light.  I obliged, begrudgingly.  You really shouldn’t have, I had a few and my tongue was loosened.

“Happily married, right?”  I asked.

“Mmhmm,” is all you replied.

“So if I offered to suck your dick right here in this alley you would say no?”

You didn’t wait a beat to reply.

“Are you a $5 hooker?”

“No,” I responded, annoyed.

“Then why would you offer to give me a blowjob in an alley?”

Well, if you are a cheat you’re not a stupid one.

“Why are you convinced I’m trying to fuck you?”

We hadn’t made eye contact yet.  He was leaned against his portion of the wall facing the street while I had my back against the alley near the corner.

“You come here every weekend without your wife.  You don’t meet any friends.  You try and talk up random women.  Sounds pretty standard.”

I knew the type.  If he wasn’t yet, he would be eventually.

“Jaded,” was the only word he said.

“Disappointed too many times I guess.”

“Then it’s a good thing we aren’t going to be having sex,” he dropped his cigarette butt on the sidewalk and stamped it out before walking back to the bar.

I smirked at his response, then sighed to myself,  “great, now I want to fuck him.”


The show starts at 9 and ends whenever

I want to be kissed.

I want it hard against the front door because you couldn’t wait to get it opened.  Your keys fell on the step and you slammed me against the door under the porch light.

“The neighbors might see,” I whisper as you undo each button on my blouse.

“So-fucking-what?”  You reply as the buttons fumble between your fingers half way down so you rip the rest apart, sending them flying in various directions.

That’s the kind of passion I need.  The desire to rip my clothes off because you can’t wait to have me another second.  Make your kisses hurt against my lips.  Become an animal at my throat.  Kiss me like you need it to go on living.

Don’t just kiss me with your lips.  Use your tongue and your teeth.  Use your hands as you strip my clothes from my body.  Use your legs to spread mine apart.  Kiss me with your entire body.  Strip my mind bare beneath you and show me your strength.  I want to be overcome and undone.

I want to be kissed like that.

I’m tired of swimming and I never learned how to float

My mind is wandering down the yellow brick road.  Although happily ever after never seemed to last.  It only took the length of time for you to forget my face, or notice someone else’s.  I bet Oz doesn’t even have wifi.

So walk along the path and take notice of all the pretty people and all the pretty things.  Do you think you’d notice them if you ever saw them again?  One night stands sometime turn into a weekend.

I don’t want to seem harsh but sometimes harsh is all I have.

Nothing works out the way we want.

Nothing that matters anyways.

I hate that I want to kiss you

You’re too cool.  You seem as if you don’t care about anything.  The way you sit on the curb and smoke your cigarette all by yourself, you don’t want to be a part of the crowd.  I’m scared to talk to you because you’ll make me feel like I don’t matter.  I already feel that way about myself in the world and I don’t need it confirmed by a cute boy with wind blown hair and eyes hidden behind sunglasses.

That blonde girl tried to talk to you and I could tell it didn’t go well.  She doesn’t even smoke.  I can tell because she didn’t ask for a cigarette and kept blowing the smoke away with her hand as she coughed.  You said three words to her and then she got up and left with a strained smile.  It was kind of funny.  I managed to keep my giggle internally.

I forgot to look away when you flicked your butt into the street.  You got up and turned around and saw me staring.  You stared back and I looked away, then looked back at you still staring and looked away again.  I must have been all shades of red as you walked my direction.

Oh god.

Your stride is confident and smooth.  I can’t see your eyes through those god damn sunglasses.  Are you looking at me?

I smile nervously and divert my eyes.  I hate rejection.  You walked right by me and kept on going.  I sighed the weight off of my chest and hung my head.

“Lana, you idiot,” I muttered to myself as I turned to go home.

I glanced down the street after him and saw him as he was waiting for the light to turn green.  His head turned back around and stared right at me.  Those fucking sunglasses.  Then he turned back around and continued down the street.

I wish I knew his name.

My laundry is conspiring against me!

Super embarrassing!

I laid in bed all morning because, well, you know how the bed feels especially comfortable in the morning when you don’t want to get up and do anything?  It was one of those days.  I even dosed off and fell back asleep for a bit.  I also didn’t set my alarm after I turned it off, so when I woke up I was in a panic and a rush.

I showered.  I pulled clothes out of laundry baskets.  I pulled panties and socks out of drawers.  I looked disheveled and an absolute mess!  But I made it to work on time, and that’s all that matters!

(Or, I was a little late but nobody said anything, so that’s all that matters?)

So, anyways, I feel like I’m rambling.  lol.

I go along with my day working and trying to make it seem like I wasn’t late so I threw myself into everything and was super, dutiful, work-type girl!  Hooray!
Then, about an hour and a half in, I needed to use the bathroom.  So I get up and walk down the hall and give myself a quick pat down to make sure my phone is on me.  (I don’t leave my phone at my desk, obvs, because I’m super addicted and I need help.  lol)

As I was doing a pat down I felt a rumpled bit of fabric along my thigh.  I pass by some people taking up way too much room in the hallway.

“Excuse me,” I say politely but with a hint of annoyed-you-are-taking-up-the-whole-doorway.

I gave myself another pat and a slight squeeze and I can’t fathom what this rumpled bit of something is beneath my clothing.  I’m starting to get worried what made its way into my pants!

I get to the bathroom and into the stall.  I pull down my pants and attached to the inside of my thigh in some static cling super sticky way are a pair of bright pink panties!  How in the hell did I slip my pants on, make it to work and then sit for that long without noticing?!  Ugh.

So I ended up sitting the rest of the day with a pair of panties in my purse.  They were stuffed in the zipper towards the bottom so if I had to go in there wasn’t a bright pink shining pair of panties in everyone’s view.


I hate laundry

and Monday’s

How to flirt in 2 easy steps

Be wicked to me.

Be harsh.  Be mean.  Be rough.

I might be a girl, but I can take it.

Scowl.  Squint.  Seethe.

Be wicked to me.


Be crass with me.

Be vulgar.  Be forward.  Be lecherous.

I might be a girl, but I can like it.

Thrust.  Gyrate.  Pant.

Be crass with me.


Be all the things you want to be but think they may be wrong.
Be who you are.
Be what you want.
Make me kneel.
Make me yours.

Goodbyes should be forever

Do you love the way he says goodbye?

What about the curve of his shoulders as he walks away?

How hard is it to know so well what he looks like when he leaves?

I’m dying small deaths in his goodbye kisses.  I’m crying every tear I’ve ever shed into his arms.  His grip is tight but loosening.

Please don’t leave me, and if you do don’t come back because I can’t do this more than once.

Love, Love me do

Say you love me.  Look me in the eyes and tell me everything I ever wanted to hear.  All I need is someone on my side for once.  All I need is a hero.

Stand between the world and me and defend my everything.  I don’t need it, but I want it.  I can be the body that takes the arrows, but it would be nice to have someone take the arrows for me just once.

I want to be held.  I want to be kissed.  I want to be loved.  Is that possible?  Can you love someone who is this mess of narcissism and fragility?  I’m not perfect.  I’m far from it.  Tell me how imperfect I am and that you love me anyways.  Kiss me and tell me there are plenty more where that came from.  Don’t leave me like the others have.

I’ve given up mountains for men before.
Would anyone give up the sky for me?