I am in love with you. I write so much about this fact and I can’t escape it. I am in love with you and I have been since the moment I told you, and well before that.
I was in love with you very early on because that’s the type of person I am, when someone shows me the kind of attention you gave me I consider it love. I don’t know if its misconstrued love that I’ve put on you, too much for someone so early in knowing them and that is why I kept it in. I didn’t want to bury the sapling in soil and hope it’s peak could fight through.
I couldn’t hold it in though. My love shined through in my actions and my demeanor. The way my face lit up when I saw you and the depth at which my hugs squeezed around your neck could keep no secrets. I don’t know if you knew it then, but I did. I’m not given enough credit for how hard it was to not kiss those words onto your face a thousand times a day.
“I love you. I love you. God damnit, I love you.”
And of course I told you too soon. It was just us and I couldn’t keep the sun from shining anymore. I was bursting. I lied though. I said I thought I was falling in love with you when I already knew I was there. I felt stupid. I felt childish. I was nervous and my knees and elbows ached in awkward positions trying to hold it back.
I caved fairly quickly and admitted I was in love with you already. I’m incapable of deceit when it comes to something I care for so deeply. Why do we feel we need to hide these feelings from people when they’re so pure?
We know what happened next. You were sweet about it, but non committal. I accepted your response with reserved gratitude. You adored me, is how you put it. I thought it was reasonable because, why not? Not everyone is as unabashedly lovesick as I am. I couldn’t expect it from you, as much as I wanted it. As much as my dreams dreamt of it and my wildest fantasies ran with it hand in hand through my delusions, it wasn’t reasonable. But I know I loved you and I know it still.
We didn’t last long after that. You pulled away. I went insane.
When we love so wholeheartedly and that love is not reciprocated can we be blamed when we act irrationally? It is not justifying those actions, however, in every happy moment we’d ever shared I’m told that it meant more to me than to you. You ran out of room from all of the smiles I gave you and you started tossing them in the trash because you didn’t need them anymore. When my kisses covered your face you’d wipe them away when I turned around. You didn’t have to love me, but you didn’t have accept my love as if you did.
I still haven’t been able to exorcise our past from my heart. It’s still haunted by you. It still beats for you. It still yearns for those eyes as they stared at me and made my breath flutter. As you held my gasps in the palm of your hand and my entirety crashed onto you like waves on the shore.
I love you. I’m afraid I will always love you. It’s a sickness that I will carry with me until my body withers away. I’ll think of you on my deathbed and wish how I could have heard you say it back to me just once. To look into your eyes and watch your lips move as they say those words I wanted so badly.
I love you too.
Just Like Lana 